It's monologue

4/27

I was chatting to my mom casually, then the phone rang. It's about the time to tune my piano again.

Mom declined the service at once. I told the piano tuner what she said, but I was wondering how long my piano hasn't been tuned since I was gone away home. She said it's no use to tune the piano because no one is touching it any more and even considered to sell the piano. I was a bit unhappy to hear about that. What's wrong with my piano? It's not standing in anybody's way at home. My piano is silently sitting in the corner on the 3rd floor. Neglected. 

I protested. I said I agreed on that you don't have to tune it every year, but maybe once every two or three years. It's my piano still. I am still playing it whenever I am home to have time, more or less. Though my parents bought the piano for me, I am the one who played with it all the time. I think it is MY piano. I will be very unhappy if they send my instrument away. I asked her if you think you want to sell my piano just because I am not touching it, why don't you sell your Guzheng before selling my piano out. Let's talk fair. 

Then she answered her Guzheng is too old to sell it to some one.

So is my piano, I responded instantly. It's ok if you want to sell my piano later, then I will just get another one in my house someday, I added later.

Where are you gonna put the piano? Mom asked, challenging me, I think.

My place, not your home, a place neither bothers you nor be known by you, I simply said. 

It's a bit unpleasant to sense that parents often think they have the right to organize, move, or change your stuff like they think those things belong them. I think that's the common concept of Asian Parents. Unconscioulsy, they feel like children are sort of like their properties, or belongings. They have the right to make decisions for us, believing that's the best for the children. Most of time, I will be loose to think about this stuff because I know it's a thing in our culture. Rooted. It may take more than 100 years to make parents realize children are as individual as grown-ups. Or maybe never they will realize. Parents trying to control too much makes me feel disrespectful at some point.

It is not I am against my parents' opinions about things. I just feel like parents should change their attitude towards children as they grow up year after year until becoming adults. Don't remember where I read the article about the idea, "Children are not parents belonging. They are completely different individuals from the parents. They have their thoughts and opinions. They have their own lives both physically and mentally. Don't put your own ways and thoughts on them". I couldn't agree with it more. 

4/24

Just realized how scarry to find out the past may follow you when you're not aware, and happen to show up in somewhere you didn't expect at all. It's like the shadow is sneaking an attack when you're not prepared. A few words from the past could bring back all the evil memories, which were sweet once. I guess there's no a real way to delete something that had happened in your life already even though you lost your memory. Trace of your past will still live at some corner in your life and surrounding until one day you suddenly see the trace accidentally, then you wonder why and when it's been there.

Can we really erase something had happened when we determine to in our life? I start wordering maybe we can't. Or maybe we don't really want to erase them in our memory subconsciously, so we left a bit trace in our lives in order to remind ourselves someday.

4/23

It was funny to see my old work from the past. Very immature and flawed everywhere. It was kind of embarrassing to see what I had wrote, and knowing how funny I was. But, I guess that was all the process about. One has to get through it once a while. 

However, I think it is very true how an environment can change something unaware and unnoticeably until you found out how big change it had been happened when you look back again. "trust the power of time", once a friend said so. I always think time is just a co-factor, like an enzyme in your body. People are the main thing to change, or to be changed. Time is just something to wait for, or to get passed until the results come. 

Not even time can change a tiny thing if I sat motionless all these years. 

4/14

Seeing beautiful views and things makes me want to buy single lens camera... sigh....

Infinite human desires.

4/12 

4/4 

I wonder, maybe feeling good about myself is some kind of over-indulging myself? Too blind and less humble, I suppose?