It's monologue

3/28

Every time I have true heart broken, it resutls in leading myself to be a better and more independent female, and living a better life as well. At least that's what I think. I don't know if that was some kind of positive thinking, or some sort of a determination after a disastrous despair. Whichever it is, I think the result is better rather than just being totally doomed because of a despicable and worthless jerk.

I think it's female's nature. When we finally made up our mind, leaving somebody for good, and forever, we would think thoroughly and retrospect ourselves carefully to see if we were not perfect hence we might have to change ourselves in order to compromise the person we loved so much. However, no matter how hard I thought what else I could have done to turn his mind, or what other possible excuses I could have found to explain his totally asshole behaviour and words. And I found none, and probably more determination in my mind that I had made a wise decision though that hurted deeply and shattered me into pieces. 

Stronger was I than I might have thought. As I decided to move forward again, I know I was, and I am much much better than he could ever compare with. And he deserves me not. I will follow my own heart,  chase my dreams, and enrich my life by fulfilling myself with various new experiences and adventures. I was better than he knew, so I know I will only become greater than then. I knew he would be in denial that he messed up everything, blaming that I kept him away and left without a word instead. He probably has blamed me all the thing. But I know, that was a loser and a bloody jerk's protest only, as usual. Those never thought about their flaws because they think they are knowledgeable and making sense. It was me, who inferior to him. For that, it was meaningless to argue, even to prove who is better than who. 

I feel thankful that my mind and soul did not wither down to the abyss just because an asshole didn't know how to appreciate me. I feel there's always a time point that you will finally walk to, realizing life will be better without someone if misery and sorrow is what you felt at the end. 

3/27

Having a good insight is not enough.

I believe I have a better insight, or a better sense/taste in some certain areas. But, the question is how to turn these feelings or senses to something substantial and practical? It's meaningless if others cannot share or see your ideas when there's no way to present it under people's eyes. They could only be your own thoughts. No one can really understand or comprehend what you have in your brain and mind, what you have seen through this world, and what your special perspective is from the other. 

There are too many things I would like to try, yet too little time I have in a day. Between jobs and personal goals there is the stomach I have to take care of first. 

3/21 

I am always wondering if it's a depressing time for most people, or for a specific field, so to speak. I was once forced to reset myself, both my mind and future. It came to me suddenly. While I am trying to find a way back to what I want, it seems to be more frustrating than I ever thought and imagined. Though opportunities and ideas are still out of there, it becomes hard to get the key in, or break in. I wonder, and more fear that I may not be able to find the way restarting again. What one can do with similar capacity of mine is little and limited in this field. Most of opportunities set up many qualities and prerequisites for applicants. Even you're qualified of fit, the fierce competitive is more than ever now. 

I doubt. I really doubt in the midst of road of nowhere, yet no direction, how much strength and courage that one should have to face the countless disappointments before the fortune finally comes to your hands? How long should we preserve our will and belief until the right time comes? That's never a question can be answered. Only be prepared for youself is something in control. 

3/5

Mr. Y and I didn't actually break up with each other, because we were never a couple or being in love. I know it's really bad to write something about Mr.Y again. This is relapse. He's a ghost that never exists any more, but I thought the ghost is still after me. Nonetheless, breakup might be the accurate way to describe what happened to us, or me, even though cutting out connection could be the best scenario of ours. In fact, it's hard to say who dumped whom if I look back. I knew, he would think it was me to cut out everything because he tried to greet to me after that day, which I would say exactly the opposite story that he was the one who spoke out rejection and suggested me to back off. After all, all of these don't matter. I can just make a breakup conclusion. 

After that day, everthing is just like what I predicted, Mr.Y never ask me back. All the things he has said were very meaningless and mostly made me angrier. Although I don't believe he doesn't know what he has done nor what I meant about all of that, it won't change my mind if he did still. So, he just left my life like that entirely regardless the caring greeting he called, which was very irritating and made me wordering he was pretending nothing has had happened, or he thought he could have fooled me again. Apparently, he truly was a liar and never treated me serious, and never will. Once, he has argued I made a clear sign that I wish no contact with him, why would I expect and ask him to continue anything? It was a clear sign of me that I wish no more. Undoubtedly, I knew the same idea and reaction would be the explanation for all his reaction after that day again. 

I found pity and low self-esteem on myself whenever I sense the Mr.Y's shadow is still over me. I am haunted by his ghost for another day. It is so unbearable that I know I am nothing to him or was even forgotten long ago already. But, my wish remains the same after that day. There's no zeal to see and to hear from Mr.Y. I believe the way I did after that day was the best way for both of us. One should have no obligation to call off as a reminder or a courtesy, especially when dealing with a world-class jerk. There is no bloody hell need.   

3/1

Started watching another British TV show, Being Human, as I recalled I actually heard of this show long time ago while I was still in TW. Anyway, before I started watching it, I noticed there are two different versions on air, one is Uk, and another is US. I started with the US one, but I found not very intereting and hard to keep focusing on it 10 min later. Then, I switched to UK version and happily found out it was way much better than US (no offense to fans of US version). Though there are some lose ends, illogical parts, and a bit incoherence in the entire show, it generally keeps a decent story line with cultural spice and sugar in it. Unlike the US version, which I feel like watching another teen supernatural drama mimicking a few ideas from Vampire Diaries or Twilight Saga and more like a copycat of UK version, I have to say UK version is more wrothy watching. 

I've seen many viewers who watched UK version criticizing the new characters from season 4, are disappointing and the new story went down after this season because it lacks of the same feeling and chemical which the previous 3 seasons and starting characters bring to the show. So, I was pretty much aware I might feel the same while I got to season 4. Ironically, I felt totally the opposite after I finished watching the season, and feel mostly disagreed with those comments. Ever since season 3 started, you can sense that the story has been a bit uninteresting and kind of repeating the same elements among those main characters. Same conflicts, routine problems, and similar pattenrs. It needed some change or ideas to bring the energy and quality back to the story again. I guess that's why the playwriters decided to clean up the old charcters and bring the new ones in (I am so glad the did, otherwise I would be afraid of seeing something like Twilight again). I don't understand why other fans want to keep all the starting characters in the same show all the time. Of course it is sad watching them eveutally pass away along the story, some peacefully and some brutally though. But, if the show didn't change its storyline, come up some novel ideas, or bring in fresh air, I am afraid the show will lose the attraction to the wide audience sooner than having another storyline.

In fact, I feel season 4 is much funner than I expected and the new characters totally bring the show to another level if we can temporary neglect some unreasonable parts of it. I don't think they are less good than those previous, especially the new vampire actor, Damien Molony, who completely gives a big change of the miserable and grumy previous vampire character, Mitchell, another personality. Let alone that Damien looks way much cuter and hotter (I feel great potential in him, very talented), Hal, the new vampire, shows the fragility and brutality on him fighting back and forth with unique British sarcasm and humor. I feel he made this character very vivid and engeretic, and even elegant but not losing the darkness  and mystery. I remember how Regues, the vampire recorder, described his personality in the show "He won't feel happy unless his life is miserable". Hal is usually well-mannered, highly educated and even conscientious, a very gentlemanlike vampire. With the young new werewolf Tom, who replaced previous werewolf George, I think Hal and Tom is another great match after Mitchell and George. I hope the audience can realize that the new combination is as good as the old one, and maybe even better before the wirters decide to put the old story and characters back by some unbearable rubbish exertion. For that, I will be very very disappointed. Other than that, I just want to note that Damien is a super cute new actor.