It's monologue

1/30

Some weird situation just happened to me. While I was thinking should I take the challenge or not, everything is like a bullet rushing out already.

And I found out I screwed it! I screwed it up because I didn't really get the chance to get my preparation done properly although I am not sure if that was part of their strategy to catch you. Nevertheless, I am a bit disappointed to myself and mostly to those who should be responsible for my situation. Things could turn out better if they ccould properly deal with the problem, which I don't understand how come they didn't try to arrange everything in a better way? What's the point if you don't let the person to show how he/she is capable of but making a hasty conclusion from the unfavorable situation? How could you fairly judge that without any bias?

Holy crap, I am totally cramped. It was a hell bad example under an totally inferior situation. What the bloody hell was that!?   

1/28

What are you waiting for? Do it, when you are still able to do it. When you have the thought to try it.

You're not a genius. If things don't come out as the result you expect, it doesn't mean you did bad. You might just do it wrong, or you didn't get the key.

And don't forget what your purpose is at the beginning. Are you going to do it for real real, or just doing it for getting an experience, or for fun? 

1/27

和貓貓一起的生活就是 已經分不出到底是貓貓比較任性還是我比較任性  

Another time of expressing the anger in my deep heart. Combining with disappointment, frustration, sorrow, dissatisfaction, anger, heartbrokeness, coldness, I have nothing to say to you still, speechless. You died in my heart.

1/17

It may be odd to write this, but this is really something I feel. Keeping busy makes my brain empty. It sounds unreasonable, but it is reasonable. 

If you think over this word thoroughly, you will realize what I meant here. Though my life and brain are busy, my mind and spirit are lost eventually. I don't have time to introspect myself, to digest all the information I have everyday. My life is full of tons of things that I leave no time for myself. My brain becomes empty. Although people would tell me that when my life crammed with so many things, how could I ever feel emptiness still?

Because my mind is dying!

Getting busy sounds very productive, but I actually lose time and chances to carefully review and think over things at the same time. And often times, I lost my keen observation of people and things, which is the worst part. I always feel that observing and thinking are both very important and necessary process and abilities because that's the way I can deduct a better conclusion or get a better idea for myself. Consequently, that also helps my life become less troublesome to some extent. I don't judge things without my head. But yes, I still can do my analysis and observation in my head even when my life is busy. But the result and judgement may have less accuracy at things easily, and also neglect some important facts within. 

However, it seems our world tend to make us very busy without having time to think over too much. Especially when some mental trauma happened in my past, then only way to forget the hurt and stand up again is keeping myself busy, which just empties my brain and mind simultaneously. It terrifies me when I notice gradually I cannot see through things precisely, or even objectively. I am scared. It feels like I am not myself any more. My mind lost, the spirit gone. I don't know how to think, to illustrate and deliberate my thoughts properly once more.

Breakup is not the most heartborken moment yet, the most heartbreaking moment is when I deny myslef.  

1/11

How come the best shows are battling with each other? I don't even know whom I should vote.

Although I don't really like the finale of Merlin (left too many questions and unsatisfyings), it is still an amazing show!! Nice done, BBC!!

Also, a new try recently. Hope it's a fun and meaningful thing to join! :)