It's monologue

12/26

I've alwasy wondered, is it not the time when a man likes/loves a woman, he would bravely tell her any more?

When did it begin? It seems like fewer and fewer men would have dared to speak out their feeling toward the special women in their minds today. The ambiguous words, flirtings, friends of benefits, and massive texts a day all become the best desguise before they reveal the truth to you. I have been confused so long when do we actually know the guy really is interested in you, not just treating you as a buddy, or a close girl friend (not girlfriend) whatsoever. To me, they (male) seem changing their lines so easy when you just thought what they meant but might be completely opposite.

If I thought the guy may be interested in me awhile, I then highly likely found out or hear out he's just taking me as a friend. On the other hand, a guy may also be unnoticeably testing me a few times to see if I am also having a special feeling for him before he decides whether he wants to pursue me further. They want to know if I feel the same with them. For that, I found unbelievably ridiculous that I should be the one to be responsible for doing nothing as well as the consequence. Becuase if they took no action further, that's because I gave them no chances accroding to the their analysis of my responses. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT? Who and how on the earth I would ever know he is hitting on me if he didn't say a word or perform clearer? And how could they blame me on that?

I don't understand since when we have to say to guys: "Yes, I want to you to pursue me!" when he's secretly testing your reaction? If you seem not getting the hint, it means you have no the same intention at all, which also interprets you don't like him either. What I cannot comprehend here is, why men stop expressing their affection straightforward nowadays? In the realm of love, everyone is afraid of rejection. Everyone wants to be loved by the one they love. It's understandable we don't want to get hurt, or heart-broken. Nevertheless, I feel, in fact, girls are still staying in the same way when they fall in love with boys. We are still worried about when is the best time to tell the truth. I seldome heard women would have thought testing guys before she speaks out her feeling just for safety, or secure, or whatever it's called. 

Be brave, men! For centuries, women have evolved much more independent and maturer in various ways. I might be wrong. But I feel it might be very embarrassing if women become taking all the responsibility to initiate the pursuit of love in the society from now on. 

Just say it. No one would know what you're thinking if you never spoke it out. After all, as the old saying, we are not parasites in the stomach of another.

You see my point?

12/19

無話可說 與 太多想說

我看到你曾說 “有時候想到什麼念頭，沒有當下寫下記下，過了之後也忘了原本想到的是什麼”。各走各的時間來臨之後，我之於人或人之於我，似乎就只剩搖盪在無話可說或太多想說兩種選項之間而已。時間、空間都在滴水穿石，當我在不知不覺中想著下次再說或是以後再說的重複之中，卻已不知不覺演變成無話可說。

思緒在喧囂著，喧囂著要一個出口。來不及彙整那些片斷地思考，像是DNA 片段散落在緩衝液裡那樣雜亂無章。我要同你說的，也許在你一句我在忙的回復中也一併吞回肚裡，然後也忘了要與你說些什麼。我知道，我知道我們都太忙，我們都有比把心中想要說出口的事更重要的其他，所以想法減少了、遺忘了、遲鈍了、放棄了。那天，M說是因為所有人都成長了，所以無法再什麼都可說。我以為是生活圈及背景不同了，話語可能仍懸在那裡，只是再也沒有一個時機可以說出口。

某本書這麼說，友情(我想任何關係都適用) 不像家人親情一樣，親情是哪怕你轉頭走了，聯繫仍然是在那裡不會消失，而友情卻是如果你一旦真的放手了，聯繫就會消失不見了。

當未來40年後我回頭想起，只記得有太多曾經想說但已憶不起我想說的是什麼，當時的心情是什麼。我的日子已經曾經被現實塞滿， 阻止我用心去思考，然後突然一回頭才發現所剩的不多，也不可能再重來，悵然若失感油然而生。那是一個向前已沒有動力、沒有目標，往後也許也追不回太多的灰色點。

12/18

Stop reading and revolving the so-called wisdom words and inspiration words. You might be overdosed without notice already.

Time for action!! Reading it back and forth won't bring you anything real. 

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I found  a poem I wrote before. I still like the conception in the poem.

Stage                    Sep 13  2009

當舞台早已拉下布幕許久 觀眾早已散席

我還坐在位子上不動  為何?
等待什麼 ?
等待劇院中的鬼魂嘆息 ?
等待撿到戲迷匆促中掉落的一朵鮮花?
等待那份擁簇喧囂過後的一份寂涼? 
還是等待布幕後 劇中角色仍繼續鮮明的活在舞台上 而你/我還能再被感動一次?

是不是正因為有太多的不完美
所以我們才在想像之中 尋找一個透氣的窗口  呼吸稀薄的自由

現實、企業家、吉兒會告訴你
為強說愁而填賦的詞 根本就是頹廢主義的積極表現 
用於社會取於社會 卻不體悟身為螺絲釘的一份子
是hippy的延伸

夢想、哲學家、海安會說
消個人主義特色的年代 變相的駝鳥式向前
起源接來自於人  而卻不去細嚼希臘三傑後的啟思
資本主義框架之下的馬克思派奴隸



美麗卻又蒼白的idle life 好像也是該結束的時候
你提到 
在眾神夢記中匆匆忙忙的開始了 那勝過一千零一夜夢話的神
倉促自大傲慢
留下的只有十卷空白的囈語 嗡嗡作響  
細不細聽?
在夢醒之剎  發現仍是慌慌張張的一切重頭
誰記得 那空白
彷彿一切還在女媧之斧拋出之前
混沌

12/12

I like sleeping too much, even my coffee package is telling me to stay awake... lol :p

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To me, one of the sadest word to others is, "I no longer love you". That was an ending to me. 

An ending to all kinds of relations between me and the person ever. 

12/11

最近逐漸發覺很多時候我以為別人應該已經懂我的意思了，結果可能對方對於我想表達什麼其實是一知半解，或甚至是完全摸不著頭緒。然後，我才想起，我習慣在話語之間、在文字之間保留許多，讓人會有語意不明，沒有點到重點的感覺。我想是因為很多時候，我常自以為，我這麼說，這麼寫，別人就應該知道我想要說什麼。結論就是，發現其實自己會陷在自己的世界裡。

前兩天跟朋友C聊天。聊著聊著，她說到某位我們一起上過課的一位老師對我印象很好，認為我的表現很好。說實話，我是真的訝異的，如果他不是以其他人的標準來衡量我，而是單獨以我個人的角度來衡量的話。也記不清是多久沒聽到別人認為我的工作和表現是好的，雖然這不是重點。我記得很多時後，我們要交的作業，都是課堂上及時的東西，在有限的時間把答案回答出來，我一直覺得我回答的東西都是很一般的答案，沒有什麼令人眼睛為之一亮的特別想法，而且更多時候，我事後仔細回想，才想起有些地方其實我沒有表達完全，有甚至是用詞或是語句可能不是對的，我自己知道我向來是有點不太計較小節的人，所以小錯誤可能不少。我想，對方之所以認為我言之有物，大概是他資質聰慧，聽到了我弦外之音，不然向我慣性的迂迴表達外加跳躍式的思考，應該會讓人看不懂我的重點(其實有時候也沒啥重點)。

有時候也會想，是不是因為對於意境和思考的表達的關係，所以別人對我寫和我說的東西引不起共鳴，也或許是深度不夠？現在想想，也許就是因為我總是不把事情一五一十地寫好，總覺得寫這樣別人應該就懂了。我想揣測他人的想法應該比霧裡看花更困難吧，需要智慧和經驗的累積。我所欠缺的東西。

Abie 表示：我實在是不知道你每次blah blah blah...的對我在說什麼 

12/10

Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance. - <One Day> David Nicholls

12/7

我覺得真的是有念頭想要做什麼的時候就得打鐵趁熱地去做。因為現實就是常因為自己的惰性堅強，而產生拖一天算一天的怠惰(就算是寫自己心情的記錄也可以發懶)。然而“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough- Mae West" 這句話卻是非常的深得我心。我以為只要是自己認為有意義、有個目的的事，也許在它尚未完成之前，我不會知道到底它有沒有嘗試的價值，所以才要趁興致都還在的時候就開始行動!