It's monologue

Sometimes, you feel the more you learned and saw, the more knowledgeable you should become.

But, it's also like the more you learned, the much more lost you got as well.

Therefore, when I feel like I need more wisdom to solve my problems.

That also means It's time to enrich my mind and level it up.

Also, it informs me I need to precipitate my soul a while.

I wonder is my mind too easy to be shakable, so I'm always swinging between different thoughts.

So many years gone by, I got more frustrated and more lost about myself.

It as if there is something keeping leaking out from my soul, but I can't tell what it is.

People tell me why I don't even want to give it a try?

I doubted myself these years.

Is that really because the chances never come to me,

or I push chances away because my mind's getting more enclosed and self-composed

so that I became less touched by others and less trust in others?

Although, I learnd how to blind my eyes and mind temporary because of trying to ignore

the real truth sometimes. But does it work? I don't know.

I so hate myself knowing something without trying to sense it.

What does that suppose to help me to any extent? None of any.

That only makes me feel worse, in fact.

You know you're pretending something, but you can't expose it.

Then, it has no use to know something actually you don't have to know!

Except that, what I felt more and more here.

Is how slow and pathetic I can't fit in any clicks soon so far.

Did my English improve more so far. I don't think so.

Did I feel more natural with this environment and the culture. No, absolutely not.

I felt so frustrated that why it takes so long to fuse into here,

not only because the language impedes me,

but also the people may be not the group you can feel comfortably with sometimes.

I can easily tell the difference and unskillful speaking between me and them.

The check point is always there. Yes, I'm not satisfied with myself. 

So, I doubt what I'm looking for?

Yes, I know I want to experience new things all the time. 

Because life is such a god damn short thing. 

And I don't know when I'm gonna lose the passion and power to explore my life in the evanescent lifespan.

We all know we can't just follow your free will all the time,

real life is not so much an easy thing actually. 

I want to know how to nourish myself more and faster.

There are so much I want to do and see.

I do wish I have 48 hours/day, then I can do more everyday. No kidding!

(because I also need enough time for sleep... hahaha...)

After I saw some notes and thoughts from friedns,

I started to feel I do need someone sometimes.

It doesn't because I'm in a different country.

So many reasons made me got the snetimental idea,

but yet, I still agree with that it doesn't mean people can't live without someone.

We are all individuals. You come alone (okay, twins doesn't count), you leave by your own too.

Moreover, it's almost impossible to read someone else's mind, no matter how close two people are.

What's my conclusion??

Oh,..... mm.... I don't know when the guy will show up in front of me.

Maybe It never happens. I mean, it's actually happened to some people, isn't it?

Btw, I don't believe in myself most of time, how could we trust in a person we never knew before?