It's monologue

When nothing can be expected, 
only denim can smooth my chaotic heart.   
It doesn't mean I bought a new one, 
but a thing distract me from for a moment. 

Life starts to become more blurry than whenever ever, 
no directions, no advices can be followed with 
somehow, I feel I am crowded by a heavy and humid air let my heart can't breathe.
Somebody says this is the time
people usually feel extremely uncertainty with everything,
especially for the age we are being. 
And maybe we will keep searching and feel helpless for more years that we do not know.
I doubt aren't human always living in unsure nomatter how old we are?
we make decisions all day and all our lives,
how do you know the unexpectable chance is exactly coming to you?

It is so sad and miserable that I have no central rule and goal in my mind.
To be more specifically, I should be categorized in the realm of aimless people.
I got weird personality, capricious, reasonable but also mercurial,
S told me:  you are the person who knows what you don't want to, but not knowing what you want to get.
It was a careless comment to me, 
however it was god damn right after so many years,
because I found it fits me in every aspects. ( so asham isn't it?)
Neighbor likes me as usual, 
flattering me as he used to be,
both of us know we are merely at the extent of this relationship.
Would he anticipate more to me?
It's so pity that we knew each other so late, ( I doubt he feels that especially)
usually I won't feel regret for anything had happened , 
(so I suspect his attitude all the time) 

I must be a cold-blooded girl,
passions are easily faded away.
A fantasy roused in a bizarre way,
but how long could it last and affect me?
An author wrote in her book:
"Life is like a chronic illness, and finding something interesting
to do is a kind of long-term cure."
Her lover replies:
"The solution to all problems is never to try to fool yourself."
Yes, when every time I try to escape the black hole by buring myself keeping busy,
the result are always worse and feel much more emptiness.
If you are the one who can always stands me, accepting everything of me without any complaint
you've been a miracle to me, and I'm too foolish to realize it until the time can't be traced back.
Do we have enough time and chance to get back the day we left behind?
I start to feel fear, anxiety, and depression again;
I left my head thoughtless like a dummy, put everything entangled aside; 
smile can't reach my true heart in the most of day and night,
only few can understand.